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Monday, December 13


I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some
kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with
amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband
tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still
in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be
on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the
snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this
the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He
would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace,
and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

a.. Men can't pack a bag.
b.. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
c.. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
d.. Men don't answer their mail.
e.. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
f.. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
g.. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
h.. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

a.. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
b.. Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
c.. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will,
peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song,"
it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!


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